Time for everything

I think I am done with this blog. My life is on the up and up right now. I have shared the basics of my story and I am finally ready to open up to those of my closer friends that I trust.  Trust. That is something else I have been working on. I recently started dating a really close friend of mine that I have known for a few years now. She is amazing and knows and listens to me in a way that I am totally unaccustomed to. I'm ready to step out from behind the shadow of my childhood and become my own person. I thank all of you who have been reading my blog and I hope I have not bored you to death.

I'm not who I was

One of the hardest things for me in life right now is explaining to those who I have know for a long time, that I no longer believe what I used to.  This can be especially hard because the church of Christ tends to look down upon those who have "fallen" The recent Ken Ham vs Bill Nye debate was intriguing for me because I have so many doubts about what I was raised to believe. To clear things up, I believe there is a God. I believe he created the world. I do not believe in the six day creation. and as far as God's hand in the world today, I remain skeptical. Something a lot of churches don't support. I find it exhausting trying to remain friends with those who knew me before even though I know most of them would judge me and see me as broken or fallen, simply for questioning that which has not been proven. My biggest problem with religion is that the majority of those who are "religious", are some of the biggest hypocrites that I know.  Those who ought to be helping me find answers, are the ones who scoff and judge me for questioning God.

My nonexistent romantic life

Being raised as a conservative homeschooler, I now find that I have absolutely no idea how to talk to those I have a romantic interest in. I no longer believe in "courting", but that being said, I don't think dating is any better. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert in relationships or anything of the sort.I have found that most relationships are failed attempts and finding someone worth being with. Half my relationships ended because I messed up, the other half because the other party involved. So the question is; is it worth it? Do I continue to ignore those I feel for because I know chances are it will end poorly? Or do I continue to dive into relationships taking the slim chance that it wont end in disaster. No matter what people say, there is no going back to being friends after being something more. I have seen this attempted in mine and others lives. It is an epic fail every time. My struggle right now is that I have been stuck on someone for the longest time. It's a crush that has really done me more harm than good. One that I'm finally getting over.  Now that I'm ready to move on, I find myself trying to figure out how to spill my feelings to a close friend, with out risking ruining what we have right now. Any advice?

The best laid plans...

Keep with me, this semester of college is a hectic one. Between moving, classes and transferring work locations I have been incredibly busy. Once life settles down in to a routine Ill start posting more often.

A Big Step

Well, it is finally time for me to move out of my parents house. I am getting an apartment close to the college that I am attending. I can't fully express how excited I am. I am fully prepared for things to be tough financially, but just being out of my parents house will help.  I love my family a lot, but they drive me crazy. I could really use some space especially because I have a tough semester of school, and several personal problems I am dealing with as well. My family just doesn't understand me that well, and I get exhausted from trying to explain myself, so I pretty much don't try anymore.  For those of you who have moved out of your parents house, what are some "do"s and "don'ts" you could share with me?

Of cutting and self harm

I thank everyone one of my friends who have been there for me. Those who knew what I was going through and those who didn't but had my back anyways. One thing that concerns me is how easy it is for someone to but self harming or contemplating suicide, all the while no one realizes it.  I dealt with self harm for over a year, and even now, the urge rises now and then. I know there are many reasons why people decide to self harm. For me it was a way to have some control, and to be able to feel something in a world where most emotional pain no longer registered. I love all my friends deeply yet sometimes it feels like a have no one to talk to, or no one that I can talk to. I have problems connecting to people socially to the degree that even when I am surrounded by my friends, I can feel totally alone.  I only know of 2 or 3 people that I am open with, but even then I don't share much. My point in this is that several of my friends, and even the majority of my family never knew what I was going through.  It was not unusual to be talking to my mother about my week telling her how good things were, meanwhile I had hidden scars from the day before.  It is important for people to keep up with their friends. Even if your friends are not totally open and won't tell you what is going on in their life, at least be there for them. As one who has dealt with self harm, I can honestly say that it makes a big difference.

My greatest fear

There are many things I fear but I only recently disclosed to a close friend what my greatest fear is.  You see, my sister Anna gave me the most precious niece anyone could ask for. As I find my self babysitting or just spending time with my niece I started to think about how much I want kids later in life, and what kind of father I might be.  It hit me then, how scared I am that I would become like my father.  To the point that I am no longer sure that I want kids.  Having seen the havoc wreaked on my family by my father it is only natural to feel this way I suppose, but what fuels my fear is that I find little pieces of my father in me, not pieces of the good parts of him, but of the bad ones. I worry that even with as much as I hate what he did, and hated him for it, that I could be just like him.