The best laid plans...

Keep with me, this semester of college is a hectic one. Between moving, classes and transferring work locations I have been incredibly busy. Once life settles down in to a routine Ill start posting more often.

A Big Step

Well, it is finally time for me to move out of my parents house. I am getting an apartment close to the college that I am attending. I can't fully express how excited I am. I am fully prepared for things to be tough financially, but just being out of my parents house will help.  I love my family a lot, but they drive me crazy. I could really use some space especially because I have a tough semester of school, and several personal problems I am dealing with as well. My family just doesn't understand me that well, and I get exhausted from trying to explain myself, so I pretty much don't try anymore.  For those of you who have moved out of your parents house, what are some "do"s and "don'ts" you could share with me?

Of cutting and self harm

I thank everyone one of my friends who have been there for me. Those who knew what I was going through and those who didn't but had my back anyways. One thing that concerns me is how easy it is for someone to but self harming or contemplating suicide, all the while no one realizes it.  I dealt with self harm for over a year, and even now, the urge rises now and then. I know there are many reasons why people decide to self harm. For me it was a way to have some control, and to be able to feel something in a world where most emotional pain no longer registered. I love all my friends deeply yet sometimes it feels like a have no one to talk to, or no one that I can talk to. I have problems connecting to people socially to the degree that even when I am surrounded by my friends, I can feel totally alone.  I only know of 2 or 3 people that I am open with, but even then I don't share much. My point in this is that several of my friends, and even the majority of my family never knew what I was going through.  It was not unusual to be talking to my mother about my week telling her how good things were, meanwhile I had hidden scars from the day before.  It is important for people to keep up with their friends. Even if your friends are not totally open and won't tell you what is going on in their life, at least be there for them. As one who has dealt with self harm, I can honestly say that it makes a big difference.

My greatest fear

There are many things I fear but I only recently disclosed to a close friend what my greatest fear is.  You see, my sister Anna gave me the most precious niece anyone could ask for. As I find my self babysitting or just spending time with my niece I started to think about how much I want kids later in life, and what kind of father I might be.  It hit me then, how scared I am that I would become like my father.  To the point that I am no longer sure that I want kids.  Having seen the havoc wreaked on my family by my father it is only natural to feel this way I suppose, but what fuels my fear is that I find little pieces of my father in me, not pieces of the good parts of him, but of the bad ones. I worry that even with as much as I hate what he did, and hated him for it, that I could be just like him.

My thanks to HA

I want to thanks those in the Homeschoolers Anonymous group for giving me encouragement as well as the motivation to start this blog and share my story. It feels good to get this off my chest. I want to help make a difference. I want to help others who are going through similar things to what I went through. Please visit the Coalition for Responsible Home Education. I am not the only one who has a story and you can find some others testimonies on this page as well.

My Story: Part Two

As bad as the physical abuse was at my house, the mental and spiritual abuse was even worse.  I was raised to believe what my parents told me and to never question "my beliefs". My father was (and is still) hardcore conservative. The depth to which his beliefs were ingrained into me was so great that even now, four years later, I struggle to keep straight what I believe Vs. what he believes. But more on that later.

Around the time I was 14, my mom realized how damaging our household was to us kids and that something needed to change. So we moved. She never told us kids or our dad that we were leaving. She had some friends help gather our stuff and we left and moved to a different state to live with her parents. This was a difficult time because I still had not realized how damaged I was. I struggled to understand what was happening and what it all meant.  My mom put me in public school where I entered as a 9th grade student. This was a whole new experience. I had always believed that Public schools were evil, yet I met good people, good teachers, and had more opportunities to do things I loved. My father, in his families absence, started attending therapy. He started taking medication and seeking help in dealing with his OCD. He made such a turn around to the point where a year and a half after we left, he was allowed to move back in with us. Since he moved back into us he has been declining back into how he acted before we left and I am seeing my brothers go through some of the same things I went through. I feel sorry for my mother who is currently working part time while also going back to school to finish her degree, all while dealing with the problems in our house. My father has only recently got a job to help support the family, and even though he is almost always home, he barely helps with the house work or other responsibilities. It got to the point where after much pushing from my older sister and my threatening to move out if he didn't get his act together, finally nudged my mother into laying down some rules for my father to finish if he wanted to remain in the house.  While this has helped things drastically, things are no where near perfect. I find myself having to keep my mouth shut every time my dad tries to talk religion or politics. I hear him talking to my brothers about the same topics and they just soak up whatever he says. I worry that they will be brainwashed as much as I was. I hate seeing them go through that when they already have enough to deal with without dealing with my fathers crap. 

My Story: Part one

First let me tell you about my family.  My dad has OCD and has rarely tried to keep it in check. My mother has always been the hard worker and sometimes she works too hard. Just has been hospitalized several times do to her irregular heartbeat that generally only surfaces when she is extremely stressed. My sister Anna is 5 years older than me and has always been the only family member I could relate to. My brother Tim has been diagnosed with Bipolar though acts more like he has PTSD. He also has ADHD.  My youngest sibling is Daniel. He has been diagnosed with Aspergers and a defiance disorder. Growing up none of this was known to me. I didn't know that my father had OCD and my brothers had not been diagnosed with anything yet. To my father all the symptoms of their respective mental illnesses were just refusal to behave and could be corrected my punishment.

Growing up I had very few freedoms and I lived in a bubble that I was told was there for my protection. I was not allowed to read a book or watch a movie unless my father had already reviewed it and found free of unsafe themes or content. Anything with magic or "dating spirit" was immediately dismissed and seen as evil. There was one computer in our house and it was only for use by the adults. The only TV we had was one that was connected to a VCR, we never had cable TV because of how "evil" all the TV shows were. We each had an enormous amount of chores we had to do before we were allowed to even think about doing our school work. Most days we never finished our chores let alone our school work. "Free time" was something I barely had especially because of how strict my father was when checking to make sure we had finished our chores. Breaking the rules was almost always followed with a spanking (where one could count on hearing the "I'm only doing this because I love you" speech), or at the very least a harsh yelling at. There were other various methods of punishments. I remember once that one of my siblings had taken a piece of chocolate out of my parents room. We were then all made to march up and down the stairs until one of us confessed to the "crime". 

Purpose and End Goal

This is my first time doing anything like this so keep with me. My purpose in starting this blog is to have a channel to talk about things I have been holding in, as well as sharing my stories with others to try to raise awareness of the dangers of homeschooling in abusive households. I have recently joined a group known as "Homeschoolers Anonymous".  It was after reading the stories of several of the members of this group that I became inspired to find an outlet that I could share my story, the things that I deal with on a regular basis, and my fears for my younger siblings who are going through some of the same things I did.  It should be pointed out that the names and other information about several people I talk about on this blog will be changed to protect their identities. I know I am not the best writer and I thank anyone who chooses to follow my blogs. I will try to post at least a few times a week though at the start it might be more often.